prIde

So like I wish my pastor was wrong about pride today.

Unfortunately, he is rarely ever wrong when it comes to the word of God.

Today was about prIde. I spell it with a capitol “I” for obvious reasons. I struggle with pride in that I don’t think I need help and that things God says may not necessarily apply to me, but they sure as hell apply to you.

I hate that I struggle with it. I should be better than that.  And there in lies the problem.

You see, I am superwoman. I can handle it ALL.

I can handle my daughter not wanting to live with us anymore and trying to end my marriage. No problemo.

I can handle rumors at work about me sleeping with half the staff. No pun intended.

I can handle not having the necessary supervision I need at work.

I can handle a full course load and working full time and cleaning the house and doing laundry and making the bed and taking care of a dog, a cat, a son and a husband and sweeping and mopping and vacuuming and cooking and taking care of myself ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I can handle that.

I can handle getting dressed in the dark and wearing matching shoes.

I can handle meeting the expectations of the youth at work and my supervisor and my professors and my family and my kids and my man and my pastor and my friends.

I can handle it all.

Yeah, right.

Did I meantion I can fly?

Presence not Presents

What are you planning for Christmas this year?

Have you made promises to your family you can’t make?

Have you offered them things you know you can’t attain?

Feeling guilty? Feeling ashamed, embarrassed?

Believe it or not, not one single thing you put under that tree will replace you.

You children need you more than they need the latest advances in technology; and gettin down to the nitty gritty; you’re only buying it to get close to them anyway.

Has it worked yet? All the things you have bought them; all the things they have asked for? You buy it to please them, to offer part of yourself to them, and yet where are they now?

Are they any closer to you now? Have all those gifts brought them nearer to you?

The answer is no, and you an I both know it.

What your children need is not presents but rather presence.

Your presence is by far more important than any gift you purchase for them based on simple want and desire, rather than need.

They don’t need any of the things on the list; they want it.

What they need is you.

More of you.

All the things they have from you are just ways to replace you; it’s safer that way, maybe even more reliable. When they turn to their multiple games (Xbox, playstations, Wii, etc), they know what to expect. When they turn to their multitude of friends they know what to expect.

But what about you?

When they turn to you, do they know what to expect?

Or are you an ever changing and unavailable person; proving yourself untrustworthy. In other words, “why should you be any different than anyone else whose abandoned me?”

Choose to offer them presence. Your presence; your time, not your money and your presents.

A simple conversation, cleaning their room together, help them with homework, sit with them, sit next to them, give them a hug, high five, the list goes on.

It isn’t easy. Trust me, I know.

When you want so much for what you give them to be reciprocated, and it isn’t.

It hurts, and sometimes it seems easier to just give them what they ask for so that at least it feels like you are being loved and appreciated for the time being; plus it’s safer for you as well.

Guess what? Your kids feel the same. They avoid you, say things and do things that sting like a bee. It hurts like hell inside.

Don’t give up. Just as you are holding on by a thread most days, trust me, so are your kids.
They need you.
They need to know you will be there.
They need to know that no matter what they say or do, you aren’t leaving and you aren’t sending them away.

You can show this to them by just spending time with them.
Presence not presents is what matters this Christmas.

Know that I Love you!
Hang in there; you are not alone in this journey.

Somethings just don’t go together

Okay so like a big guy walking a tiny dog … a chitzu or something.

Orange juice after brushing your teeth.

Purple and well, anything.

Kicking and boxing … ?

Cheerleaders and sports … who’s watching the cheerleaders?

People over 80 and a car (preferably in the passengers side; but not likely in Flori-duh).

Chocolate and beer.

Sports bars and boobs (and I don’t mean the drunk guys at the bar) …

Commercials and the movie theatre.

Peanut butter and bologna.

And that’s only some …

Have a wonderful day and the next … and the next … and the next.

Now ya tell me …

Has this ever happened to you …

Someone in authority tells you something, you believe them, you do it, then you find out they were wrong; however, instructed you as if they were the know all to end all … and when confronted about being wrong they make you out like you didn’t understand them to begin with, hence causing you to feel retarded?

No? Oh. Ok … well maybe the next one then.

Someone you love and trust lies to you in normal, everyday conversation and you believe what they say because they’ve given you no reason to believe they would lie to you?

Ok, maybe not that one, but definately this one.

Someone in your life refuses to take responsibility for themselves leaving you drained and pained?

You have something you need to communicate, it needs to be heard, yet no one is listening nor do they even try to understand?

Someone in leadership acts as though they do nothing wrong; they are the holy of holies and if you just do things their way you wouldn’t have as many problems as you do; they seem to live a perfect life, making yours feel empty and worthless?

You have a friend, or at least you thought it was a friend, until you saw the way it behaved; the way it treated others equal or below it; the way it acted as though it were better than you, the friend?

You seem to be at the right place, but at the wrong time?

Well, yeah, maybe you haven’t experienced that.

Too bad … it’s fun.

No, just kidding. It isn’t fun, I’m just teasin ya.

These are just random thoughts I have had and still am dealing with lately. Or trying to. Just when I think I have overcome it, it seems to come right back again.

Reminds me of that song .. Everytime I look around around … it’s in my face.  or does it go … everytime I look around .. your in my face …

Here’s the deal, forgiveness is the key to heal.

But it’s not that easy. Forgiveness is a process. Blah blah blah, yeah we’ve all heard that schpeel.

But, let’s turn things around.

What if you are that person who lies to make others feel like crap and you like it … you practically thrive on it; who enjoys belittling others because they don’t measure up; who revels in the thrill of control; one who talks at you rather than to you; one who enjoys knowing more than you and letting you know it; who throws those lovely fake smiles your way (and they actually believe they are being sincere .. or they expect you to); one who is so full of the truth of God’s word they can’t wait to throw it in your face every damn time you make a mistake (I mean every damn time …. come one … what are you God’s official police?); one who pretends to listen to gain your trust; and last but surely not least, who gets their rocks off at manipulating you.

I mean the list goes on and lately, I seem to find myself surrounded by these type of people. And that, honestly scares the poop out of me … why? They’re fellow believers AND Birds of a feather … people tend to attract the same kind they are… I mean … really? Come on! I’m screwed. 

Then I look at things logically. Would I be where I am today if I were that way …

Absolutely not.

So why am I surrounded by all this doo-doo that makes me feel like poo-poo?

Maybe it’s because someday I will have to work with someone who is going through the same crappolla? Maybe.

Maybe it’s because I ignore the lesson I should learn from these poo-poo cachew people? Maybe.

Maybe it’s because I ignore the people who are treating me in this fashion; hence creating more problems? Maybe.

Or is it pride in me that somehow thinks I am better than they are; for I, Super Jess, would never treat others in the same fashion as they have treated me? I think … maybe.

Or maybe these people have no idea they are doing it because certain people among us are too chicken to confront them because of who these people are and how they make us feel.

I mean, I don’t know about you, but confrontation (even the nice kind) is not fun. And I have had my hand chewed at, my head bit off, my heart crapped on, my character crushed, my integrity mangled. And for what? Do bring about a change in someone who doesn’t even think they are wrong.

So what to do … what to do …

Easy … pray for those who do these things to you; pray for those who persecute you, who hurt you, who do things to spite you.

Did I just say easy?

Fat chance … even on normal days when I’m not getting my booty handed to me in a silver platter, I don’t feel like praying.

So, be honest to God. Tell Him how you feel. Curse, get mad, slap a few pillows .. who am I kidding punch a few if you have to … go running, cook, clean and pray … tell God about it. Just talk to Him while you do it all. He may not take care of it right away … I mean look what happened to Jesus for Pete’s sake.

So be patient. Pray and remain long suffering.

Just don’t pout about it. Keep a stiff upper lip and don’t let ’em know they gotcha by the heal. Maybe you’ll pass through hell before the devil even knows you’re there … sorry yes, punn intended … it’s a song … I couldn’t help myself … there needs to be some funny in it all …

So you think ya know me …

Wow, what an amazing day.

I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery of sorts. Mostly the process of discovering myself and being ok with what I find out.

It’s the being ok with it that I find most difficult. In fact, it’s much easier and less painful to bury it and forget about it. However, once that’s done, it still doesn’t hide what remains.

There are so many things I dislike about myself. I know that same goes for many of you. But my struggle is one I have been burying for a long time. I find something I don’t like and I look for ways to cover it up or discount it; ways to mask it or look at it a different way; ways to make it not look so bad or ways to make it look better than it actually is.

What happen is this: I discount my own abilities to deal with the things I don’t like. I also discredit the strengths in me to over come those things I don’t like.

In my rush to judge myself too harshly, I am dicrediting my own abilities, my own strengths and replacing them with weeknesses masked as strengths.

For example, you may see yourself as fat (although you are a healthy 120 pound woman) and you begin to eat less, work out more, maybe even plan on some surgery or worse, develop an eating issue.

The problem isn’t what you are doing to cover up the fact that you think you are fat. The problem is the why behind  what makes you think you are fat.

Once you uncover the why of your reasoning, you can better equip yourself to deal with it in more healthy ways.

What I have uncovered lately is my hatred for certain people who have hurt me. And when I say hatred, I mean bitter-sweet hatred. Stone cold, nasty feeling hatred. The kind of hatred that makes you think and do odd things. Avoid people, lie, avoid people … lie.

I have hated a certain person for what seems like forever. It’s hurting me, I know. There is no joy in this hatred. I know some of you love to hate and rip people apart with your self-righteousness, but this hate is not something i have enjoyed. It hurts me a lot. I have wanted to love this person and I don’t know how. I truly don’t.

Through this journey, I am learning how to accept this person for who they are … disfunctional, handicapped, disconnected, etc. I can’t change them, but I can change me.

They are who they are, whether they choose to accept that is up to them. If I cannot accept them for who they are, I will continue this hatred and injure myself further.

Just as a person in a wheelchair cannot readily get up and walk, certain people cannot just change who they are. Until they are able to, they will remain disabled. That’s their choice.

My choice is to accept them, forgive them, forgive myself and eventually move from this place of hatred. I am on this journey. I thought I was over it, but I have a lot of work to do.

Soon, I will be off this path onto a new one, using the skills I have learned from this journey for the next. This path is rough and difficult but worth every step.

Thank you, to my pastor and those who have helped me along this journey. And of course, thank you Lord Jesus.

Know It All

So you think you’re a know it all …

I was recently humbled by someone …

I have been frustrated by people who choose not to do things they are quite capable of doing and by others complaining of things they should do but don’t necessarily want to.

What humbled me was this: God gives each of us certain capabilities; strengths & weakenesses. Some he gives a lot, some a little, so who am I to judge what some can and cannot do.

Just because some people don’t think or act as I would does not make them a less than, it just makes them different. Maybe they are lazy, incomeptant, taking advantage, selfish … whatever.

What matters is that no matter what I think, I am disqualifying what GOD can do in the situation when I brag on what I think they should do just because I would do it.

It doesn’t matter what I would do. What matters is that I recognize that these people (who happen to annoy the hell out of me) are created differently from myself and have a different lesson to learn than I myself have to learn. If I project my life lessons onto them, then I am being prideful and arrogant.

God will humble the proud. It looks like this:

HUMILIATION

You choose.

 

 

 

I  promise  … I won’t laugh when He does.

Desperation

I know I told many of you that I would not be continuing this blog, but I have been praying and thinking about the possiblility of using this blog for a parent support group that I facilitate through an organization called Beyond Consequences, Inc. (BCI).

Then I read an email and the follow up story from Heather Forbes, co-founder of BCI and friend.

Before you go to the links, try to be open minded and non-judgemental. As angry and hurt as you may be when you read and listen to the reports, there are many things you may never understand.

There are times in life when not everything makes sence and this may be one of those times for you. Through this, I hope you will join me in trying to help those families who raise diffucult children; even those who have been adopted from here, elsewhere or though foster care.

Many of these children have been through so many ordeals as infants and then throughout their childhood; things you may think are of no consequence. Although you may think the trauma of a neglected infant who is then adopted into a loving home is irrelevant. You may not understand how that trauma shows itself in many different ways later on in life. If the adopted family has little support and a great lack of understanding, stressors may arise that are far too difficult for the family to cope.

The following is an excerp from the story:
Neighbors said Sieferman had foreclosed on a home and was having legal problems. During the investigation police found a bloody axe and knife and a note in Sieferman’s bedroom that read, “Sorry, I can’t deal with them anymore.”

Many parents have been in this place before. A place of not being able to deal with their own “adopted” children. A place of no where else to go. A place of utter chaos. A place of desperation; thinking of only one way out: death. Although they may not have gone to the depths as this woman has, I assure you they have reached levels of great stress and pain.

Please, join me in prayer for this woman. Her name is Sylvia. Her children are in critical condition. Their names are Hannah and Linnea.

Although you may be very angry at the mother, please try to understand the how she got to that point before you dare cast your judgement. Remember: judge not, lest you be judged.

There is help. If you are in this place or know of any parents who are in this place; know there is help. There are people who do understand what you (or they) are going through.

Ran-Dumb-ness

Ha hahaha

So ….

You got class? 

I do. Tonight at 6pm. It’s called Assessments and testing or something like that.

Ever watch your animals … I do. And I’m beginning to think my cat really is a dog.

The carpets in our home are finally dry. Thank you Fay! What fun! Probably won’t be covered by insurance b/c you were just a tropical storm. Again, thanks.

Helping my son with his home work takes longer than my own home work. That’s just wrong.

My neighbors head lights from his truck wake me up at 5:30 nearly every morning … At least I don’t need an alarm clock … lights are much quieter. I love you neighbor. On top of that, they have three back porch lights that light up my living room every evening. At least we get to save on electricity! Forget the fences! Good lighting makes good neighbors.

I have walked into a room three times today and have forgotten what exactly I needed to be there for; but I did find something to do.

… and no, I never did remember why I went in there.

I wish laundry did it’s self.

And the dishes, too.

and school work.

Maybe if I stare at it long enough, through some magical-ness, it will be done.

… if only I were Harry Potter.

BY THE WAY (and this isn’t part of the ran-dumb-ness)

My little man was dunked last night! Meaning he was baptized! It was so cool to watch him follow in the footsteps of the Lord. You have no idea what this little man has been through, but you will soon b’c I think I may begin a nutha blog abck on my old blog about kids who have been through trauma and how to deal with it as a parent. But not advice or anything, just stuff that ya know … worked for me and my little guy.

Been There

Have you ever thought …

God doesn’t give a flying frog?

God is a big fat meany?

God is having a blast f-ing up your life?

God is sleeping?

God is laughing at you (as if you were Heaven’s Comedy Channel)?

God is not really there?

Ya know something?

Me too!

And so have many of my friends as well as someone very close to me … my little girl.

Look. I know what it’s like. So don’t treat me like I’m a know it all, haughty-taughty, tight-waud Christ follower.

When my life sucked, I wasn’t a Job. I wouldn’t have waited to listen to his wife. I would have cursed God and died before she even showed up to ask if I was still alive!

I hated my life. I had even thought of ending it! It would be better to be gone! Right?

Or wrong?

The answer is wrong.

Today at C3, my Pastor (and since I am new to this wordpress jumbo mumbo, you’re gonna have to copy and past or something) …. http://www.byronbledsoe.com

Today at C3, he spoke about how Christ has been there. He has been through it all.

Ok, ok. Knock off the self talk bullcrap. Yes, he is God. Yes, he could do all kinds of stuff. The point is …

HE NEEDED GOD”S PERMISSION! (the prayer in the Garden when he supposedly sweat drops of blood) …  I know … I know … I have trouble with that, too. Blame it on the science in me.

He couldn’t just do whatever he wanted even though he was a God-man.

Sounds like the X-Men doesn’t it?

Anyway.

I want you to know this. God in Heaven is REAL.

He sent his son Jesus (whom I refer to a lot as Christ – same thing) to undergo tons of torment  and like die and stuff) …

He was lied about, lied to, spat on, betrayed, seduced, tempted beyond measure (by Satan himself) … basically, whatever you have done, Jesus has been there …

but …

But, he didn’t go along with it. He didn’t fall into temptation.

Look, I know what you are thinking. “Look, Dude, he’s like God and stuff. So like of course he wouldn’t sin. So like he’s like perfect and stuff and I’m not.”

You’re right. You aren’t perfect.

He is.

Your’re right. He is God.

You aren’t.

But you are wrong.

He can help.

He helped me.

I wanted to die.

I tried.

I lived.

I don’t have all the answers and I am still searching.

I screw up every singke day of my life … but I am still standing for only one reason.

Christ Alone.

I don’t know why.

But God does.

Please don’t give up. Please.

Reach out to someone.

Please.

I beg you.

Just reach out.

Please.

God knowing everything can be daunting. I know. But he does. And whether you understand all the stank going on in your life right now or not … He does.

Just give him a chance. I don’t promise you everything will make sence and smell like beer and pizza, but at least it won’t smell like sh – – !

Don’t give up just yet, ok?

Don’t!

I finally get it!

OK, so here’s the thing.

I know God is leading me to write this for many reasons, but I will give you a few.

I think about it.

My daughter is going through it.

I went through it.

and you may be, too.

So …. what is it exactly?

Fakeness.

That arbitrary point of your life that remains there but shouldn’t be there, but is because you either a) don’t want to get rid of it b) don’t know how to get rid of it c) don’t know it’s there d) don’t care

What am I talking about?

I’m talking about all you self-righteous, egotistical son of a biscuit eating bull dog, back sliding, double minded, church going “Christians”.

So … what’s my point … Good question …

My point is this.

I grew up in church. I seriously loved going to church. I was a geeky, nerdy, son of God loving Jesus freak! I loved being around my pastors and their family (most had kids my age), I loved the smell and the feel and the look of church … as well as everything in it and everyone around it.

So? And?

Well … My mother was a well … um … let’s just say I used to go to church by myself.

A  lot.

While my mother either worked, slept or dated …

So, I know what’s it’s like for you to not be able to trust your parent(s). I know what it’s like wondering if they are ever going to change. I know what it’s like trying to do the right thing when you watch your parent(s) do all the wrong things.

BUT THEN … just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse my mother met and married a Baptist preacherman! Yippy. The skies were looking brighter everyday. Now, I didn’t start trusting her over night now ya hear. It took a while.

After she married him, things started to change. Her life started to change. I liked what I saw. It was good. I’m not saying ALL was good, but for the most part … life was good for me.

BUT THEN … I started listening. I started hearing things. I started paying attention to the things around me. They weren’t lining up. There were square pegs being forced into round holes all around me. I started disliking my mother and my new found step father. I started disliking church; the smell, the look, the people, the whole nine yards.

I started disliking God. And questioning his existence … and his so called love for mankind.

Yeah, right!? What love. My life sucked. We moved about 50 gajillion times. Had been to about 10 stabillion churches and heard maybe say about 100 billion trillion lies. All from my mother and my step father.

Now, I didn’t know the Bible as I do now, but I knew something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t adding up. Something was wrong with the whole “walk the walk – talk the talk” thing.

Here’s my point.

I know what it’s like to look at a church and all of it’s people in that nice neat building and that beautiful steeple. I know what it’s like to lose the appeal. I know how it feels to be with someone who says all the right things but doesn’t LIVE it.

It sucks butt. It does. It really does.

You lose heart, you lose faith. You feel like it’s best to just do things YOUR way … I think Burger King has the right philosophy … have it your way. Right? Ya follow?

But guess what? Having it your way doesn’t solve all the problems in your life because of all the fakeness surrounding you. It doesn’t. It’s like taking a midol for ovarian cancer.

You may think drinking, smokin a joint, sniffin some blow, shootin up or sleeping around will solve it … well, it is fun. It does dull the pain. I will admit to that.

But what do you do when there’s no more blow? marijuana? drugs? booze? men? money?

Then what?

Whatcha gonna do?

I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to turn to lots of other things because God didn’t live up to your standards. But the TRUTH of the matter is this: listen up …

God isn’t the problem … HIS PEOPLE ARE!

We are the problem. You are the problem.

I AM THE PROBLEM!

You heard me.

I don’t s-s-s-sstutter.

The problem with God’s people is this: we think we know better than God. We think we know it all. We think we know what’s best for other people. We think we know what’s best for the church. We think we know what’s best for ourselves.

And in that, we forget about God and we forget about love and we forget about loving others.

My Daddy, his lovely wife and their three children (as well as my full brother) won’t go to church. Ya know why? Church people. Us. we.

You and me.

They are watching. They see how we live. And they can’t for one minute imagine what our God can do for them when the same God makes us …. ready? lie, steal, cheat, hate, back stab, back bite, gossip, slander, should I continue? Ok. being rude to the server at the restaurant, being rude to the lady in the restroom taking care of the toiletry, being rude to the cashier at Wal-mart, being unkind to the driver in front of you, being impatient with the person who put you on hold … should I go on? ok, I won’t.

I am guilty of this.

And so are you.

But things can change.

You can change.

I am so angry with the way we live our lives. We call ourselves Christians and the way we live turns those who don’t know God away. They don’t even want to know God because of how they see us live our lives.

My Daddy won’t go to church. Not even with me. He thinks he doesn’t need God.

Yet, my mother and some others in my family can’t wait to throw the church at them. Telling them how they need God … they need church.

HELLO! They ain’t blind, deaf and dumb people. Wake up!

So, what to do …. what to do …

Stop telling others what they need. They don’t need you telling them. Just live your life as Christ would expect you to and they will be watching you.

Be honest with God and your self and those around you. Stop acting like a self-righteous prig who thinks they have to put on a “look at me, I’m perfect” show. We’ve seen it. No ones buying it. The show’s over. Hang it up!

Admit when you are wrong. HELLO! You out there! Admit when you are wrong. Admit you aren’t perfect. YOU, yes you … you make mistakes. Even your pastor does. I know my step dad did … trust me I lived with him. He make a boat load. And that’s ok. He is not perfect.

Admit you are ONLY HUMAN. You can’t fix people. Only God can … and I don’t believe he has you listed as his right hand man … that would be Jesus. Ya know that one WHO died for you? … remember? So stop trying to do God’s work for him. He don’t need your help.

Accept those around you for WHO THEY ARE. God made them that way. They are who they are. Accept it. Accept the fact that they are who they are to, I don’t know, maybe …. teach you a thing or two. Ever think about that? … maybe you should start.

Say you are SORRY! If you know you screwed up. If you know you haven’t lived up to the expectations of Christ and others who you are trying to win over have been watching … well … say you are sorry. Apologize for being a putz. Admit your faults and be ok with it. And for Heaven sake, don’t blame it on the weather or the cat or the spouse … you did it, you own up to it. Believe me, you might not see it right away, but sooner or later, they will start to respect you … and maybe even think of you as human rather than a uppity-prig!

If we all just stop fussing and fighting and think that everyone has to be like us, people may start to take notice and change. But the more they see us acting like we know it all the more they will turn away and not only turn you off, but turn God off as well.

God knows what he is doing. Trust him ok.

And REMEMBER what he has done for you.

I bet you haven’t always been a tighty whitey short sided individual. I bet you messed up A LOT in your past … and look how far you got … look at where GOD has brought you!

Remember what the Lord has done for you.

…. because when you even begin to think you are some how better than someone else … that is when you will begin to turn someone away. You will lose all credibility.

Trust me … I know. I’m livin it.